Trigger warning: This article contains a graphic recounting of personal trauma and discusses child molestation.
There is a series I have been working on slowly over the past few years. The reason I have been doing it slowly is because it takes a lot of my heart and emotional energy for each of these paintings. A sweet kid I know was molested a few years ago. The trauma left a rage in me of powerlessness as I was across the world at the time of the news. I still struggle with the anger because of that event. I of course turned to my art and spent days drawing. The pages of my art book at that time are covered in my tears.
The powerlessness was not a new feeling to me. I am a traveler and have lived in several countries one of which was communist. I became friends with a local who took a romantic or sexual interest in me. She explained to me she was a government official and very wealthy and connected. One night she called me at 2AM and said she was coming over. I told her no multiple times. She said “Shut up, I’ll kill you” as I heard her SUV star. My fight or flight kicked in as I was in a strange country. My apartment at the time was gated so I figured they’d turn her away but rich people usually get what they want. She was let in and came to my room knocking. I wondered if she really intended to have me killed (a very real possibility) if I didn’t answer. I opened the door and told her to go home multiple times. She threw herself at me and I pushed her away and each time I said no and that she needed to go home. She said “I am an officer you can’t say no to me.” I tried to think of what my options were but I saw no good options. If I hurt her I’d go to prison. Nobody would believe me here. In that country it is illegal for a foreigner to have sex with a local woman unless married. The punishment is a fine and deportation if caught. I had no idea what would really happen if I rejected her so I gave in. I had sex with her and tried to be as rough as possible hoping she would never return. I had sex with her until my sheets were covered in her blood. She still enjoyed it. After she showered as she was leaving she asked if I wanted to be her boyfriend. I said no. She said then she would not talk to me again as if it was punishment. I was in a state of shock for the next week. She would drive by the school I worked at teaching kids. Each time she would slow down and just stare at me with her dead eyes. I stopped greeting the students outside until she stopped. I didn’t wash my bed sheets for days as I couldn’t bring myself to look at them they lay crumpled on my bathroom floor. It took me time but I moved on from this event. I felt extremely dirty and tried everything I could to rationalize it and change the story of what happened so I could let it go but the anger was real. I felt ugly, unseen, filthy and powerless. When I tried to talk to a friend about it they would just say “Oh she loves you”. That is not love. This happened over six years ago now and I still worry about sharing it.
Which brings me back to what happened to my friend. I had those same feelings. I needed to find an outlet for healing. I decided I would do a painting for the people affected at that time if they wanted. I explained my idea which had evolved over my art pages. Which started as me painting hands in prayers holding flowers and slowly evolved into a single flower with an eye. Let that eye be the parents or the survivor, let the flower be the body. Survivors need to be seen and heard but the social stigma often prevents that from happening. The eye lets us know we see their soul, we see you and let the flower be a representation for their body, beautiful.
Flowers are very special to me. I have two wonderful mothers my biological mother and my eldest sister Danielle. Both instilled in me a true love of flower gardening. I’ve said in my poetry that my mother believed God created flowers just to be beautiful. I’m not sure about that but I am sure that they are beautiful. I’ve seen talks about how human are made of stardust. If you think about it flowers are in a poetic sense small radiating stars. This familial appreciation for flowers is why I incorporated them into these pieces.
This Art project gives survivors a voice to share their story as they are free to give me any details of the events they would like. This lets them be heard in private in a safe space where I will not divulge anything they don’t want. The flower acting as a simulacrum for their body they can feel present, beautiful and clean. They can be seen as still beautiful which many survivors forget or are afraid to express. They are cute, pretty, handsome or beautiful and this is a safe way to show it. And the eye which is painted slightly abstract lets them retain anonymity but also provides a very real connection to the piece. This lets them know it is about them and the entire time I am painting this beautiful painting I am seeing them, thinking about them, and trying to capture their essence in this piece. I See you and I see you as worthy of love and healing. The leaves are sewn shut if they have been unable to talk to anyone and open if they were able to discuss it or report it.
This has been a labor of love to help people heal. I have not sold any of these pieces but keep them safe as a collection in hopes that after these days of covid I can share their stories in a gallery for others to also see them as I have. This project has helped give me back a little of the power that I felt I lost and I hope it offers a little comfort for those who participate in this series. This will be an ongoing series as I have several others who have requested I paint for them but I am unable to take on too many of these at a time as they do take on a lot of emotional energy and I’m a bit on the sensitive side. If you think that this is something that may help you in your healing journey you can reach out to me and we can discuss it. Keep in mind the last person who asked me it took me one year before I was in the space where I could do it for them. I ask that before you make the request to me that you first talk to a licensed counselor or psychologist and get their opinions on if this would be beneficial to your long term well-being.
Please take a look at this publication by April Klimley.
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